:英语笑话大全

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　　英语笑话：情人节的梦

　　One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.

　　When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?"

　　"You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.

　　On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.

　　Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

　　英语笑话：聪明的儿子

　　One day, the father lets eight-year-old son send a letter. The son took the letter. The father then remembered he didn't write address and addressee's name on the envelope.

　　After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter into the mail box?"

　　"Certainly."

　　"You didn't notice that?the envelope does not have address and addressee's name on it?"

　　"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

　　"Then why?didn't you take it back?"

　　"I thought that you?did not write address and addressee, because you wouldn't let me know to whom you send the letter!"

　　英语笑话：半个还是十分之五

　　Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?

　　Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

　　Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

　　Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

　　英语笑话：最喜欢哪种鸟

　　Like which bird best

　　In class, the teacher showed pictures of various birds. Then he asked, "What kinds of bird do you like best, Jack?"

　　Jack answered, "Fried chicken, sir."

　　英语笑话：任意按键Any key

　　Any key

　　"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

　　英语笑话：取而代之Take his place

　　Take his place

　　An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

　　"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

　　"Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

　　Replied the governor, "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

　　英语笑话：闷屁Silent fart

　　Silent fart

　　A man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem.

　　"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?"

　　The doctor replies:

　　"The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

　　英语笑话：上帝住在哪里

　　Where does God live

　　Teacher: Where does God live?

　　Student: I think he lives in our bathroom.

　　Teacher: Why do you say that?

　　Student: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, "God, are you still in there?"

　　英语笑话：宝贝吞下了子弹

　　My baby swallowed a bullet

　　Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do?"

　　Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."

　　英语笑话：为什么女人话多

　　Why women talk more than man

　　A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day.

　　She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

　　He said, "What?"

　　英语笑话：最懒的人Laziest man

　　Laziest man

　　A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

　　"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.

　　"Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up.

　　"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

　　"Too much trouble," came the reply.

　　英语笑话：买得越多越便宜

　　The more the cheaper

　　Deciding to do some back-yard landscaping, my father-in-law went to the brickyard to buy quantity of brick.

　　When he asked the salesclerk about the cost, the man replied. "The more you buy, the cheaper they are."

　　"Is that so?" said my father-in-law. "Then just keep loading them on my truck until they're free."

　　英语笑话：金刚后代A desendant of King Kong

　　A desendant of King Kong

　　Girlfriend: One of my ancestors was actually a king.

　　Boyfriend: I never knew you were a desendant of King Kong.

　　英语笑话：请你来玩狗

　　Would you play with my dog

　　A: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?

　　B: Well, I don't know---does he bite?

　　A: That's what I want to find out.

　　英语笑话：为什么血不流向脚

　　Why blood doesn't rush to feet

　　A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

　　B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

　　英语笑话：神奇的眼镜Magic glasses

　　Magic glasses

　　Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses?

　　Doc: You sure will.

　　Patient: That's great! I never could read before.

　　英语笑话：不捐款的理由

　　Why should I give you money

　　A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

　　"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three porced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

　　"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

　　The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

　　英语笑话：不能见医生I'm Sick

　　I'm Sick

　　One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital.

　　Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.

　　Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.

　　英语笑话：美还是丑Pretty ugly

　　Pretty ugly

　　Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?

　　Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

　　英语笑话：雌雄难辨Is it a boy or a girl

　　Is it a boy or a girl

　　A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

　　B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

　　A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

　　B: I'm not. I'm her mother.