1、 "Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, hestepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.从前有个瞎子。一天，他正在行路时踩着了一只正在睡觉的狗的脑袋，狗汪汪汪地叫了一阵。这人又往前走，这回踩着的是另外一只狗的尾巴，狗又汪汪汪地叫起来。瞎子以为还是那条狗，惊诧地说：奇怪，这只狗可真够长的。"
2、 ""i had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."一个男人对他的朋友说：“我动了一次手术，手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。”"that's terrible!" said the friend. "got any pain?" “真是太糟糕了！”朋友说道：“你觉得疼吗？”"no, but i am always thirsty!" “不疼，可是我总感到口渴！”"
3、 "Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too."丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友：“这是一个粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。”朋友：“如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大，健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办？”丹：“我也会教他怎么样赛跑呢。”"
4、 "One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪...Girl: Father, I have sinned.女孩：神父，我有罪。Preacher: What did you do, little girl?神父：孩子，你犯了什么罪呢？Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."女孩：昨天，我骂了某个男人一句：“你这个狗娘养的。”Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?神父：为什么？他对你做了什么吗？Girl: He touched my breast.女孩：他...他摸我的胸部。Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父伸手摸女孩的胸部）Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.女孩：（因为神父的举动而有一些害羞）嗯...是的。Preacher: That s no reason to call him that.神父：只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他。Girl: But he also took off my cloth.女孩：但是...他又把我的衣服脱掉。Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)神父：你是说像这样子吗？（神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服）Girl: Yes, that s what he did.女孩：是的，是这样子没错。Preac" her: "That s still no reason to call him that.神父：可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他。Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...女孩：然後...他把他的...那个...放到我的...那个...里面...Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)神父：（奸笑貌）你是说像这样子吗？（神父和女孩就那个那个了）Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that s what he did...女孩：（数分钟後）喔...是的...就是这样子...Preacher: My dear girl, that s still no reason to call him a...神父：我亲爱的孩子，就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个...」Girl: But he had AIDS!!女孩：但是他有AIDS呀！Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!神父：那个狗娘养的！！！"
5、 "Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other.妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗？约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。"
6、 "A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。"Who are you?" he asked.“你是谁？”丈夫问到。"I'm the Devil!" she responded.“我是魔鬼！”她回答到。"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"“噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹！”"
愚蠢的对手 (中英)
Okay, this is an actual episode of the Newlywed Game.
这是在新婚夫妇间进行游戏时发生的真实插曲。
The question was "What is your husband's favorite South American country?"
问题是:“说出你的丈夫最喜欢的一个南美洲的国家。”
The first wife answered Brazil.
第一个妻子的回答是巴西。
The second wife was a bit puzzled as to what the term "South American" meant. She answered "New Mexico.” The MC explained to her that that was an U. S. state, not a South American country. Still confused as to what this strange adjective" South American" meant, she answered "Mexico.”
第二个妻子对南美洲的概念不是很清楚，她答道:“新墨西哥”。婚礼主持人向她解释说那只是美国的一个州而不是南美的城市。但她还是没弄清楚哪是“南美洲”，于是回答:“那就是墨西哥”。
The third wife was sure of her answer. She wasn't as confused as wife number two and showed it. When it came time to give her answer, she answered very confidently "I know what my husband’s favorite South American country is: it's Africa” The MC allowed it.
第三个妻子对自己的回答显得胸有成竹，她不像刚才那个妻子那样感到困惑不解，当轮到她回答时，她信心百倍地说:“我丈夫最喜欢的南美洲国家是非洲!”主持人点了点头。
The fourth wife answered "Mexico" as well.
第四个妻子的答案同样是“墨西哥”。
The only husband to give the same answer as his wife was the fourth, who answered "Mexico.”
只有一位丈夫—第四位妻子的丈夫—给出了同妻子一样的答案:“墨西哥”。
关于身份问题的教育 (中英)
Scene一A grade one classroom on a warm summer afternoon.
场景:夏天一个炎热的下午，一年级的教室里。
Teacher: We are going to have a spelling competition this afternoon. Anyone who can spell a word correctly can go home early. We’11 start with Mary. What did you do at lunchtime?
老师问:“今天下午我们来进行一场拼词比赛。谁能准确无误地拼出一个单词就可以早回家了。我们先从玛莉开始，你午饭时间去干什么了?”
Mary: I played in the sandpit.
玛莉回答:“我在沙坑里玩。”
Teacher: Mary, can you spell "pit?"
老师说:“玛莉你可以拼写‘沙坑’这个词吗?”
Mary: P …I … T?
玛莉: "P. . . I. . . T?"
Teacher: Very good，you may go. Now Tommy , what did you do at lunch?
老师:“非常好，你可以走了。现在轮到汤米了，你午饭时间都干什么了?”
Tommy: I was playing with my toy car.
汤米:“我在玩我的玩具车。”
Teacher: Tommy，can you spell "car"?
老师:“那你会拼‘车’这个词吗?”
Tommy: C…A …R
汤米:"C. . . A. . . R"
Teacher: Very good，you may go. Now Johnny, why are you crying?
老师:“非常好，你也可以走了。下一个，约翰尼，你为什么哭呀?”
Johnny(sniff): Because Tommy and Mary wouldn’t play with me at lunchtime， just because I'm black.
约翰尼(抽泣):“汤米和玛莉都不和我玩，就因为我是个黑人。”
Teacher: My God. That's racial prejudice. Johnny，can you spell "racial prejudice?"
老师:“上帝呀，这简直就是种族歧视，好了约翰尼，你能把‘种族歧视’拼出来吗?”
魔鬼的血 (中英)
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day，enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
一天，亚瑟正坐在当地酒吧的外面，享受着啤酒的美味，逍遥自得。这时一个修女突然出现在他的桌前，开始谴责饮酒所带来的罪恶。
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a the blood of the devil!”
“年轻人。你应该为你自己而感到耻辱!喝酒是一种罪过!酒精就像是魔鬼的鲜血!”
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this，and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"
这时亚瑟感到有些厌烦就开始辩解:“大姐你是怎么知道的?”
"My Mother Superior told me so.”
“我们修道院的院长这么告诉我的。”
"But have you ever had a drink yourself`? How can you he sure that what you are saying is right?"
“但是你自己从来没有喝过，你怎么就知道你说的是正确的呢?”
"Don’t be ridiculous一of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”
“别开玩笑了，我自己当然没有沾过酒了。”
"Then let me buy you a drink，一if you still believe afterwards that it is evil 1 will give up drink for life.”
“那么我请你喝一杯吧。如果你尝过之后还是那么认为，我就一生不再饮酒。”
"How could I，a Nun，sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“我，一个修女，怎么能这样做?坐在酒吧外面喝酒?!”
"I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you , then no one will know.”
“我会叫服务员把酒倒在茶杯里的，没有人会知道。”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
那个修女极其不情愿的同意了。然后亚瑟走进了酒吧。
"Another pint for me, and a vodka,” then he lowers his voice and says to the barman，"and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
“再给我来一杯啤酒和一杯伏特加”，他压低他的嗓音对服务员说，“你能不能把伏特加酒倒在一个茶杯里?”
"Oh no! It’s not that bloody Nun again is it?"
“噢，天哪!是不是那个魔鬼之血’的修女又来骗酒喝了?”
勇敢的斗牛士
A bull wrestler was visiting his friend in a small town, and one night they stayed a little too long at the pub. Not wanting to drive, they decided to walk home. As they were crossing a farmer's field, a bull charged them. The wrestler grabbed the bull by the horns, and they went down in a snarling heap. Finally the bull jumped up and ran away.
"Wow," said the friend, "that was quite a tussle. "
"Yeah," the wrestler replied, "and if I hadn't had that last drink, I would have gotten that guy off his bicycle.
一个斗牛士在一个小镇拜访他的朋友。一天夜里他们在酒馆里呆的时间稍长了一点。他们不想搭车，就决定步行回家。他们在穿过一片农田时，一头牛向他们冲过来。斗牛士抓住了牛的两只角，他们扭打在一起。最后牛跳起来跑了。
“哇，”他朋友说，“好一场搏斗哇。”
“哦，”斗牛士回答说，“要不是我多喝了一杯，我非把那家伙从自行车上拽下来不可。”
谁欠谁钱
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.
律师的狗，没有拴而到处闲逛，它来到一家肉店，偷走了一块 烤肉。店主来到律师的办公室，问道“如果一条没栓的狗从我的商店里偷了块肉，我有权利从狗的主人那里要回损失吗?律师答道：“完全可以”，“那你欠我 8.50美元，你的狗没栓而且今天从我的店里头了块肉”，律师什么都没说，马上给他写了一张支票。一些天后，店主打开邮箱，发现一封来自律师的信，信上写 道：咨询费250美元。
Good Sight
Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.
律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西?证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。
The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
新西兰的气候
老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样?
马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。
老师：错了。
马修：可是，先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。
My Sister's Fingers
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
Teacher: I don't see any bandages.
Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
我妹妹的手指头
老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了?
凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。
老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀?
凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。
All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"
"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."
除了音乐
一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗?”
“噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。”
The plural Form of "Child"
Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?
Tom: Men.
Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?
Tom: Twins.
"孩子"的复数形式
老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么?
汤姆：男人们。
老师：答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢?
汤姆：双胞胎。
When Do People Talk Least?
Student A: When do people talk least?
Student B: In February.
Student A: Why?
Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.
人们什么时候说话最少?
学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少?
学生乙：在二月。
学生甲：为什么呢?
学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。
The Reason of Being Late
Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.
迟到的原因
老 师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校-缓行’。
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